What We Pick Up

Hi readers- this article is appearing on hotnooze.com so I wanted to share it with you :) More funny stuff to come!


I’ll admit it. I kind of like pick-up lines. Not in the way you would think- not because I’m going to go home with you, or even let you buy me a beer. When I hear a pick-up line for a second I think you may have a cheesed out chance- because only a moron could not know how lame they sound. You must have a sense of humor. You’re satirizing other men. You’re deep and a parody. And for a half second I want to believe that there are people still left in this world that know how to maintain sexuality substance- and that Oscar Wilde might still be alive. And then it all goes to hell. You ask the question twice. I tell you I’m a Capricorn- and that I have to go to ladies’ room. I go to my car.

There are some men that ooze sexuality and some that just ooze. But throughout the years, I have learned that there are few things that will deter a man and their prehistoric and primal need to bone. I’ve tried saying that I have a boyfriend, married, and a lesbian- anything. But those, to most men, don’t serve as an appropriate reason not to have sex with them. So, I have had to get creative and come up with some lines of my own.

Before all that, I have some advice. Yeah, I know I’m divorced, and yeah I know I’m a tad more cynical than the average person may like. But I am damn perceptive and when it comes to people and interacting with them, I know my shit. So it boils down to this- learn to read body language. Gentlemen, if you see two women at the bar and they’re deep in conversation- don’t interrupt. One of two things is happening here- they are either talking about something serious (at least to them) or they see you and are pretending to be so pre-occupied that you won’t have the nerve, but the manners not to interfere. Don’t loom behind them, or hover around like a helicopter trying to land. She sees you. Trust me.

And there is nothing more aggravating than a guy who can’t take a polite hint. We don’t want to be bitches. We just aren’t into being hunted. We’re far different from our “Lucy” ancestors and while we still can find the “take me now” fantasy erotic- it has to be on our terms. If you just stand around, hoping and wishing- it compromises a little bit of your masculinity. Make a move or don’t. Just pick one. If you learn when a woman’s body doesn’t feel open (her head isn’t up, her shoulders aren’t squared) you’ll spend more time chatting with a female that’s feeling your vibe- rather than wasting your time getting rejected by someone who wasn’t intending on mingling in the first place.

But as I mentioned before, you can’t trust that people can read body behavior. When I was going through my divorce there were plenty of nights that I just wanted to be left the hell alone and ended up fleeing the bar out of frustration. One night, after I had just about enough, and on my second or third vodka martini (I don’t play around) one guy started his shit. So for once, I played along. And finally when it was time for him to ask me for my number –I smiled and said, “I’m down for whatever, as long as you know I have the Hiv.” Yes, I meant HIV. Pronounced, as it’s own word. My friend Julianne’s eyes got as big as saucers and my own eyes widened- begging her to play along- and finally she nodded sympathetically. “Oh yeah” she interjected. “Her treatments are a real bitch.”

In a flash he was gone. We laughed until her beer came out her nose and it was like figuring out that pot cures cancer or something. I couldn’t believe it- but it worked. I could get through my evening in peace. And who cares if he thought I had HIV. I’d never see him again, I was sure of it. So this started a new trend with my friends and me and we began turning guys down everywhere- until…

I ended up at birthday party on Lido Beach- and as beautiful as the resort is, it caters to an older crowd. When I walked in my eyes settled in on the white wash, driftwood looking furniture and mauve, flowered cushions. The bar was filled with men in the sixties and seventies range- but my friend loved the view and it was her birthday anyway. What did I care? I don’t go out to meet men- so literally we could have went anywhere and I wouldn’t complain.
As the night progressed a younger man of the bunch (late 50’s maybe?) approached me and I was interested in trying my HIV line on someone in his age demographics. I smugly smiled and put down my drink and delivered (rather well, I might add) my now perfected trademark line. He gently touched my arm and said, “It’s Ok. I have it too.”

Jesus Lord. Now what? I flatly mumbled something I don’t remember and walked away. I think it was then that I learned I needed more diversity in my deflection. Clearly, why hadn’t I considered that? And with that I walked straight past the ladies room and once again to my car.